Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.