Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing


My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.


6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.


My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer


[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important


Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother


*lifts 10 pound weight*


*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*


Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.