@JennyJohnsonHi5

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

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@brianbowman73

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

@TheAndrewNadeau

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

@lukeplusone

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

@Shenaniglenns

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

@BoomBoomBetty

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

@BadMikeyBad

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

@beccafacexo

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.