Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

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Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.


His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying


I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.


Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best


E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.


People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.


High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years


Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.


I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.