Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
You Might Also Like
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said āOkay, but only if I can mop tooā, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and Iāll tell myself āBless this mess.ā
had to share :ā)
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh š
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Stooooppp!!! šš
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Decided to stop saying āplease subscribeā in my videos and itās working. No new subscribers.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
A 5-year-old just asked me if Iād ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goƶgle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. š¶ Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. š¶
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, āYou realize pretty quickly that a lot of them arenāt that smart.ā I think about that quote every single day.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.