@JennyJohnsonHi5

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

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@caliluvgirl77

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@DothTheDoth

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

@daveexplosm

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@RiotGrlErin

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

@AubriePesky

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”