[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”