@brianbowman73 Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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@brianbowman73 
@TheAndrewNadeau His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
@lukeplusone I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
@Shenaniglenns Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
@BoomBoomBetty E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
@JimmerThatisAll People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
@BadMikeyBad High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
@PopeAwesomeXIII Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
@beccafacexo I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
@Laser_Cat They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.