Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

Oh the world we live in…

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Pretty certain I can more drunk

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.