Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.