
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.