@ChaseMit Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
@thepaulasuzanne Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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@ChaseMit 
@Brianhopecomedy I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
@JosesLovesYou I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
@filmbizpro Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
@noog I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
@SomeChrisTweets Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
@Robert_Beau The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
@Matt_The_1st “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
@envydatropic I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
@sixthformpoet A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.