@thepaulasuzanne

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

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@ChaseMit

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

@Brianhopecomedy

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

@JosesLovesYou

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

@noog

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@Robert_Beau

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

@Matt_The_1st

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

@envydatropic

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.