Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I need a headline like this
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.