“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.