Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
You Might Also Like
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
And then there were 4
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”