@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

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@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

@LMemeit

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

@protolalia

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

@11111234567890a

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@capnwatsisname

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@thepunningman

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

@BruceForce

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

@Scarfolk

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

@MavenofHonor

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN