Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

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Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-


H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry


I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.


It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.


When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.


Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.


[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN