“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.