guilty
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Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Body by cheese-puffs.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!