@DrDogMD DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
@LoveNLunchmeat Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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@DrDogMD 
@girlontapas My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
@weedswildflowrs I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
@Cornjerker78 Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
@whimsik_l My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
@beefman138 “Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
@ChefRonSullivan Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
@TotesFerda The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
@slimmy_shady For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
@MrLloydSpandex Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.