Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.