Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

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DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?


I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.


Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?


My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.


Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …


The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.


For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.