@LoveNLunchmeat

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

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@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@weedswildflowrs

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

@Cornjerker78

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

@whimsik_l

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

@ChefRonSullivan

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

@TotesFerda

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

@slimmy_shady

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.