Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
work smarter, not harder
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what