Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.