@trevso_electric

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

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@Home_Halfway

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

@Amusitr0n

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@HumanPog

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.