Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Tastes like chicken.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.