@mcdadstuff

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

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@_NinJar

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

@NolaChef504

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@ericsshadow

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

@iamjohnsarris

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@Writepop

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*