G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
You’re on my hair