@mcdadstuff
@_NinJar G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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@_NinJar 
@NolaChef504 If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
@lovemydogduck Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
@ericsshadow Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
@iamjohnsarris Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
@ShittyComedian How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
@MerriamWebster Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
@slimmy_shady When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
@Writepop Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
@SexytotheNorth [Being murdered]
You’re on my hair