[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
life finds a way
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
We have a winner.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine