Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
You Might Also Like
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
#NeverForget
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”