[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT