Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.