@msdanifernandez

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

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@JensenKarp

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@david8hughes

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@ThisOneSayz

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

@ericsshadow

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

@SentientSadist

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.