Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.


Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”


I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…


HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.


I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.