Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
You Might Also Like
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
wtf management?!
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
never forget
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
