Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
God has abandoned us.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds