[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A friend helps you before you need it
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon