[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I’ve had relationships like this
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.