[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??