guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.