GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

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🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶


I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”


When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.


Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian


Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*



“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.


I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…


god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference


COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good


If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.