Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.