Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids