[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.