guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ