Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
😩😩😩
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her