Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”