Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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#dalle2
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My inexpensive home security system…
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]