Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Europe. Made in Germany.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐