Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Breaking news:
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one