[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
You Might Also Like
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
(Electricians.)
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future