[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.