guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows