@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

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@UncleDuke1969

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

@thedadvocate01

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

@TheFirstDudish

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

@dreadnaught420

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@E_lok44

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.