GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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Finally! 😈
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
it be like that
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.