Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
B
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
ready to be harvested
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.