guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.