Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You Might Also Like
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
oh shit
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.