(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?