Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.