GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Body by cheese-puffs.