GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?