GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.