GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face