Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
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cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Meow?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead