GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
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I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
😂😂😂
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account