GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries