Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*launders Kohls cash*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: