@sarahschauer

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

You Might Also Like

@JediGigi

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

@MarieLoerzel

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

@jollyrobber

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

@DrakeGatsby

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.